Yes fans, it is indeed that time of year again. Time for this Cat 1, along with every other chubbified Cat 1 across the pedal biking nation, to put down the double bacon triple cheddar beef butter burger, comb back my leg & toe hairs, dust off my favorite Pointer Sisters cassette, lube up the (stationary) 10 speed pedal unit, cream up the ole crustified chamois, and embark on an epically excruciating return to fabulousity (which I’m pretty sure is French and/or Lebanese for AWESOMENESS). Over the years I’ve grown obliviously aware of the common misconception amongst the specified general public that we uno’s el de catagore never surrender a single ounce of awesomeness… EVER. Not even during the unseason. While it is true, by definition, all members of said exclusive (Cat 1) community posses the uncanny ability to survive for months on nothing more than a sufficiently (self) inflated ego and a canister of instant Quaker Oats, many fans fail to consider that Cat 1’s are human beans too! However, apparently regardless of one’s Cat 1-dom, eating nothing but the fastest of foods, strangely enough, does not result in being fast… weird I know. Not to mention, 2 months of voluntary couch rest and minimal movement of any kind might be just a smidgen too much to effectively retain said “awesomeness”. Ok, ok…. I’ll cut the crap. I guess what I’m trying to delicately portray to the reader is … over the past couple months I may or may not have become a fat, hairy, lazy bastard. There I said it. HAPPY NOW????
And so begins this pedal biker’s, nothing short of amazing, annual unseason journey to Cat 1 fabulousity via chumputrainer (thats frenchification for modern medieval torture device). Of course the hundreds and hundreds of seconds that I spend on my (chumpu)trainer aren’t exclusively for torture…they're also important for self-reflection (mental masturbation) and deep soul searching. The following is a conglomeration of semi random and totally meaningless thoughts that I may or may not have pondered …at sometime during my recent (or not so recent) training… or some other time…whatever. Keep in mind if you read this, in the quite likely case that you should become deeply offended or uninterested… obviously I didn’t write that part... and if I did...so what?? Deal wit it YO!
1) For some f’d up reason it always seems to take me at least 2 weeks of procrastination in the form of chumputrainer set up & tweaking or some kind of obscure house project to finally actually climb up on the damn thing and complete my first ride of the unseason. Last year I actually built 2 chumputrainer platforms and an entertainment system with a 42” plasmatic TV and surroundified sound system... just for training... oh yeah. Not to mention, I gutted my bathroom rendering it permanently temporarily inoperable… This year, I’m building a castle with a heated moat and live alligators and installing a 24 hour McDonalds drive through in my kitchen. YUMMAAY!
2) I was thinking I should patent my chumputrainer as a time machine. I’ve discovered that somehow the magnetic resistance thingy and the Pentium II flux capacitor inside my “special” computer painstakingly cobbled up from old Atari parts, coupled with the practically indeterminate fractional horsepower I generate while "training"… all work together to open up some kind of portal that causes time to slow to approximately 2.6328944444% of its normal speed. I can prove it too because just the other night I clocked the Simpson’s movie at an agonizing 46 hrs, 36 minutes, and 14.8992 seconds. I would have been better off watching tampon commercials. If you don’t believe me… try doing intervals on your trainer….chump.
3) In the world wide realm of Illinois/Missouri pedal biking of the competitive sort… I think I might finally have come to terms with the fact that I may never be recognized as anything more distinctive than “Josh Carter’s Teammate... you know the one with a goatee”… God help me if I am ever involved in a barbecuing accident.
4) Josh Carter (JC), no matter what, never ever gets fat…because he is in fact, the love child of Chuck Norris and Wonder Woman.
5) Power in pedal biking is historically measured in Wattification…I'm sure you've heard...it's all the craze these days you know. Well, I say what the hell is a "Watt" anyway? So, I have decided that I no longer recognize "Watts" as a primary unit of measurement of pushy in pedal biking. I propose that we scrap "Watts" completely and use something that both makes sense intuitively AND gives the “average Joe” pedal biker something to shoot for. That is why this year I am introducing the JCP (which is frenchification for "Josh Carter Power"). Stay with me now 'cause here’s how it works… a JCP is quite simply the maximum peak power ever achieved by Josh Carter (son of Chuck Norris) himself. Currently, one JCP is precisely 1,896 watts or approximately 2.54258 HP (horse power). Think about it… if chumputrainers and powder kegs all displayed JCP’s rather than those bullsh*t "watts".... you would know exactly where you stand in the realm of Cat 1-dom! Your powder keg will simply display a percentage, which will represent a ratio that, incidentally, can never be greater than or equal to one. A value of 1.0 JCP is like absolute zero… or the speed of light… it can never be achieved. Even if Josh Carter himself breaks 1.0 JCP…it just moves the conversion factor up a notch. Not to worry though, I will keep the world posted when the conversion factor goes up. Hello ...Good night!
6) I have to admit... I never get tired of hearing Phil Liggett announce “Now his face is a picture…He’s suffered like he’s never suffered before”... I just know he's talking about Ned Beatty.
7) Think about it... it must suck to be Axel Merckx…. or Jeffrey Jordon… or Jonny Knoxvilles kid brother for that matter…
8) The Tour de France is way overrated. Hell, I just found an old article from the Daily Herald out of Chicago which claims Ricky Williams could win the Tour de France if only he cared to do so. Wow.... HE must be pure Cat 1 awesomeness! With that said, I’m pretty sure my mom could single-handedly win a super bowl against the Patriots… but you know…she has other sh*t to do.
9) I recently found a listing of a few competitive cyclists’ wages for 2006. Based on this data and the fact that only a few short months ago (actually they were regular lengthed months now that I think about it) I totally screwed an unwitting Ford dealership out of a hot custom 2007 Mustang for a mere $238,000 (with trade in)… I can say, without any uncertainty, that I tragically missed my calling as a professional negotiator:
Valverde - $3.8M
Bettini - $3.3M
Boonen - $2.6M
Petacchi - $2.2M
Basso - $2M
Cunego - $1.8M
Vinokourov - $1.7M
McEwen - $1.6M
Hushovd - $1.3M
Zabel - $1.6M
Popovych - $1.3M
Kloden - $1.3M
Evans - $1.3M
Savoldelli - $1M
Freire - $1M
Boogerd - $975K
Carter - $4,822.7M
Schroetlin - 2 “large” water bottles (used.... but recently cleaned with soap)
Ok… I gotta get some sleep…
Cat 1 Bloggifier…… OUT!
As a leader in the fight against all things Sprockified, I have taken it upon myself to stalk my little arch nemeses in hopes of gaining absolute proof of his devious ways. I recently have acquired that proof and have now taken it upon myself to expose him to the public. The picture above, I assure you is genuine, and was recently snapped by the Tooth Fairy herself... I swear to God it was!
This image, acquired only days ago, is believed by experts to be Sprock himself or a very convincing Sprockish decoy... training or appearing to train, at an undisclosed location... most likely in or near the Spanish speaking country of "Spain".
Look closely at this image taken just last Tuesday by the Hubble Telescope. Notice what appears to be a Sprock-like figure, believed by most experts to be the Cat 4 Hero himself or another one of his evil decoys, causing yet another minor mishap in a group ride somewhere just east of Peoria IL. Unfortunately, no one was available for comment as everyone involved was completely or partially killed.
This photo was allegedly captured by a local Sprock-aholic somewhere along the northeastern coast of Australia near a large body of salt water... most likely an ocean. Experts are now flagging this photo as a possible hoax due to a barely discernible scaling mismatch between the actual image of Sproccoli and the two new born sea turtles. Personally... I don't see it.
I think these next 3 pictures speak for themselves... Most experts do not question their authenticity due to rampant rumors that the Cat 4 Hero was recently advised by his long time coach, B.T. MgGee, to enter a few races they affectionately refer to as..."confidence builders".
Favored to win this pedal biking event in August, the Cat 4 Hero was reportedly disqualified for borderline high levels of cotton candy in his post race urine sample, name calling, and unsportsmanlike tongue exposure.
Dude has no shame... wtf... really??
Here, the Cat 4 Hero (or another Sprockified evil clone) is caught red handed fleeing the scene of yet another mysterious and tragic exercise induced flatulence episode in western Nebraska. Luckily only a few thousand Huskers were left homeless. CH4 (that's Frenchification for Category Four Hero) was unavailable for comment.
This photo was snapped by a trail camera somewhere high in the mountains of Washington set up by researchers trying to prove the existence of Big Foot.... and Chris Sprock's training program.
Seen here celebrating after a well executed leadout during the weekly Cat 4 "wear your favorite pro team get-up" group ride, THE Hero exacerbated "I thought I'd let my buddy feel it for a change... after all normally, it's me that gets to come out on top!"... Um... alllllllrighty then.
